Bush's "Failureness" and World Literature

I paid attention in my linguistics class. I know how to help AAVE speakers translate their grammar into formal, school-style writing. I use a portfolio model in my class, so students can work up to good grammar and word choice with effort.

But, sometimes, I hardly know where to start.

We read Swift's A Modest Proposal (I could see their heads jerk up each time I said something loudly about "eating babies!"), a selection from Ionesco's The Bald Soprano and a selection from Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest, and then they wrote up their own modest proposals. This one is from a senior in my class:

During the 2002 Year, the world has come to a change, when an terrible tragedy happened in New York, Our most beloved, beautiful sight seeing, twin towers, Were knocked, Well actually they collapsed, there were so many passengers who Boarded the plane and were killed as the plance crashed into the second twin tower, throughout that Following week So much confusion was Going on. Some feel that it waas an alert awakening For most of our troops, the president (as he would think in his own piece of the world) But we Really can't blame our sick president, who is suffering from an illness of "Failureness" if you Really shall thing, there are not so much meaningless faults of what he things Goes on in our world today, as a Result of higher taxes, high Gasoline prices, and not too many Jobs are available to the unemployed, making it difficult for many low income people to purchase homes (of their choice) which leaves the president with nothing but sickness in the heart, making things so complicated throughout the Nation, why are there so many soldiers dying, does bush know? Why did we start having wars when Bush became our president? Why there wasn't any wars with the president well ever since I was born? what you thing? if you feel this way then why not Register to vote?? If I could I definetlly would for the better to make life as hard as It doesn't suppose to be. Our country needs at least an Great awakening throughout the present and future, the present, president, Bush, is not there to be made fun of but to make better Government , which as I don't see, Do you?? I'm Guessing you are supposed to be living his type of lifestyle if you want his support.

Usually, even if there are a million errors, the kid is still communicating. Her essay, though, leaves me guessing.

After looking at it for awhile, I think she just likes to capitalize "R" and "G," not that she doesn't understand capitalization.

She doesn't talk much in my class, but she probably doesn't speak like this reads. It seems like maybe she is trying to make it sound schoolish and is losing her meaning in the process.

Beyond that, where to start? With a senior? That has to pass the graduation test?

I don't know.

Here are the comments I left on the top of her paper:

Try separating your main ideas and creating paragraphs--each one should contain a main point. Try writing it like you would say it if you were talking to me. Read it out loud and see if it sounds right.

Comments

[Tara]

Hi Hipteacher,

I never taught high school, but I think some of the principles I learned teaching second graders to write might be helpful here. Please don't think I'm trying to demean them; learning is learning, and in this case, it really needs to be done.

I liked your comment back to the student. What I would do is a guided writing lesson with an examply similar to that one in front of the whole class on chart paper and have them tell me where a new paragraph starts, where to correct things, etc. Ask them if they can tell you what the main idea (big picture, whatever phrasing you'd like to use) is. Try to make your example something relevant to their lives (altho, LOL, maybe not pimping) so they can stay with ya. Shock factor seems to work with your group and so the more you can show them they and their issues DON'T surprise ya, the more they'll trust you not to be judgmental.

That's all I can offer. Keep posting!

[mary]

hip - I have a similar problem; one specific student who only just learned to read a year ago; why he's in the 8th grade now is due to social promotion, which Dekalb has stopped doing this year. In a class of 25 students, how do I address his needs?

Your response was very good. You may also try personal conferences too, and have students read their writing back to you.

Good luck. I think about you in your big room sometimes, and I smile.

[Vanessa]

That was a great, thoughtful piece, though, you know! I'd do the same as Tara recommended - if she learns to chunk her thoughts into a purposeful sequence, then the same pattern can be worked upon with sentence order, and punctuation.
But I'd follow up by getting the class to paragraph their own proposals better, in the form of a flow diagram, so they have to identify and describe the links between the paragraphs (like an arrow, or several arrows, or links from earlier paragraphs?)

[Nancy D]

I've been there. At my first school, the kids hadn't been taught how to write, so when I got their essays, I was overwhelmed. I can't say that I figured it out, but I changed schools and the kids in the new school are better prepared.

A few years ago, one of our middle school teachers started giving the kids a formula for paragraph writing. It has the weaknesses of a formula of course, but it helps. You can easily transition to multiparagraph essay form which is what, I believe, the GHSGT is looking for.

If you're interested, email me and I'll send you some stuff.

[miss t]

one thing i've seen done and plan on doing with my kids (i'm a first year teacher) on a very basic level is to have them go through with 2 colors of colored pencils and alternately underline each sentence with a different color. then they can take each sentence apart and make sure they individually make sense, have a subject and verb, aren't run-ons, etc.

some kind of paragraph formula may also be a good place to start while they are just learning, they can always break out of the formula as their skills improve.

i have more but i have to get myself ready for the day.

[Peter Temes]

Hi, HT.

First, let me tell you that I'm loving reading your blog, and I think you are doing a great, great job. I hope you'll still be teaching years from now - - that's the real challenge.

About this student's writing - - I'm going to be unrestrained because I know you care a lot about this - - personally, I bet your student could not get much from your comment. It was kind and sensible, but I doubt she thinks in the terms you take for granted. Commas, paragraphs, etc., even how it strikes your ear (or her ear) -- I bet those are terms she just never thinks in, and would need lots of explaining over lots of weeks to make sense out of.

I think if she were my student, I'd ask her - - maybe help her get started in class - - to take three sheets of paper. Across the top of the first one, I'd write her first sentence with some silent corrections: "During 2002, the world has come to a change." I'd ask her to write a list on that page of the changes that happened in 2002.

On the second sheet, I'd write, "Our president is suffering from 'Failureness.'" Then I'd ask her to write an explanation of what that means, and some examples of how we know the president is stuck in Failureness.

On the third sheet, I'd write, "Our country needs a great awakening" [dig, by the way, her allusion to the 18th-century American theologian Jonathan Edwards, who led the "great awakening" movement; I bet she got this in church, and it's truly sign of sophistication]. I'd ask her to write an explanation of what a great awakening is, and examples of what kinds of changes a great awakening might help make happen in America.

Now, honestly, I don't know where this exercise would lead, but I am sure it would lead in very interesting places. I'm reacting to seeing a thread of serious and connected ideas here, and hoping that as a teacher I could help her understand her own stirrings of good ideas, and see how they might connect.

If you can get three sheets of words from her out of this - - and, man, maybe no one could, but in the right environment, I think it's more than possible - - and if you can lavish time on this student writer, I bet you'll be able to connect some things from sheet one to sheet two, and then from sheet two to sheet three, that would form the basis of a real, thoughful argument.

cheers, PT

[Jeremy]

Thanks for sharing this writing and experience, hipteacher.

Very cool ideas from Peter, if you'd ever have the time to work with this student one-on-one. Would love to hear more about her progress if there is any to report later...

[No deposit bankroll]

Happy New 2011 Year for all people.